April 18, 2026
Therapy has helped me manage my grief since losing Daria. I’ve leaned on family and individual therapy, group gatherings, and biweekly acupressure to ease the stress grief can carry in the body.
Recently, I joined Forward, Not On, an online community led by my friend, life coach and fellow widow, Jen Santaniello.
In a recent session, we talked about survivor guilt—what it looks like after loss, and how to manage it.
Widow survivor guilt is a mental and emotional state where a surviving spouse may feel guilt, unworthiness, or self-blame for living after their partner dies. It can show up as “I should have done more,” “I should have died instead,” or even guilt for experiencing joy again.
Survivor guilt has been part of my grieving process, and it often shows up as second-guessing: Am I grieving “right”? Am I too sad—or not sad enough? Should I be angrier? And am I showing up for others the way they’ve shown up for me? When I shared these thoughts in our group, Jen responded with four simple, powerful words.
Stay in your lane.
“Stay in your lane” is something I’ve been practicing for a while. With age has come the reminder that some situations are simply out of my hands. Instead of trying to fix everything or force life back to “normal,” I try to step off the merry-go-round and focus on what’s right in front of me—what’s in my lane. It’s helped me in many areas of life, so why not apply it to survivor guilt, too?
Sometimes you need to hear words from people who truly understand. I’m deeply grateful for the family and friends who have supported me and my girls, and who still do. But there’s a different kind of comfort in connecting with people who have walked the same road.
Through Forward, Not On, I’ve formed bonds that help me manage the grief that still rises from time to time. These feelings may never fully disappear—they’re part of me now. Knowing I’m not alone, and that we can hold space for one another, makes the journey feel less complicated.
When grief, guilt, or worry starts to take over, remind yourself to stay in your lane. Focus on what’s best for you, right now. It may not erase the hard parts, but it can help you carry them—and show up as a steadier, healthier you. One prayer, one breath, one day at a time—stay in your lane.
If you or someone you know is a few years out from loss and done settling for “okay”, Forward, Not On may be exactly what you need.